How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Baby

I posted this on our Facebook page a couple of months ago and thought it should have a home here as well.

"A couple days ago I asked baby loss families on this page and in our group what kinds of things people did for them after their loss that they really appreciated. I added some thoughts of my own and I read a few articles about it and put together this list.

If you are fortunate enough to have never experienced pregnancy or infant loss but you have a loved one who has; it would be nice of you to skim through this list and keep in mind the things you could do to help them out. "
                  
                 How to Help Someone Who Has Lost a Baby

• Send them a card or make a phone call to let them know you are thinking of them on special dates such as due dates and baby's "angelversary," Mother's Day, Father's Day or just because. You don't have to have a specific reason to let them know you're thinking of them. Every day is hard when you've lost a child. Especially holidays during the first year.

• Speak their child's name and let them know you remember them. A mother's biggest fear after losing a child is that the world will forget them. Don't be afraid to mention their baby. You won't be reminding them of their loss because that is something that's always on their mind. You will be comforting them by letting them know someone cares and wants to acknowledge their child.

• Just be there for them. Tell them that you are there to listen. You don't have to say anything, just let them vent and cry it out. Sometimes we just need someone to listen without judging.

• If they have other kids, offer to watch them for a little while so they can get some time alone to cry and collect themselves.

• Bring over some food they can heat up. They won't feel like taking care of themselves for a while, so you could make sure they have some food handy that's easy to prepare so they're more likely to eat.

• Try to avoid saying things like "At least they passed away before you got any more attached." "They're in a better place." "At least you have other children." "You can always have more children." You may mean well, but these are actually very insensitive things to say to someone who is grieving the loss of a baby. There is no "at least" when your child dies. The best thing to say is simply "I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm here if you need anything."

• Make them something personal with their baby's name on it.

• Don't forget to acknowledge the fathers. Dads hurt too!

• Don't forget the baby's sibling(s) either!

• Put together a care package for them. Things you could include: tissues, candle, flower seeds, stuffed animal, a book on grieving after the loss of a baby, special keepsakes like picture frames and ornaments, anything with their baby's name on it. Fore more care package ideas click here.

• Send flowers, text them, call them, visit them when they feel up to it. It's a very lonely feeling after you lose a child. Don't smother them, but make sure they know that they don't have to be alone. Don't get upset if they don't answer right away. They may not feel like talking yet, but they DO appreciate you being there and they won't forget your kindness.

• Encourage them to take all the time they need to grieve, and not to expect too much of themselves too soon.

• Be aware that someone who has lost a baby may find it very difficult being around pregnant women or talking about pregnancy and babies.

• Don't avoid them because you feel awkward or uncomfortable. Like I said before, people already feel very lonely and isolated after a loss. You'd be hurting them further by avoiding them. They will remember and appreciate those that were there for them in their time of need, but they will also remember those who were not there.

• Don't stop supporting them after a few days or a few weeks. Time alone does not heal the pain. Their sadness may resurface unexpectedly even years later.

• If they eventually have another baby after their loss, don't assume it was to replace the one that they lost. Children are irreplaceable and having another one doesn't mean that they have stopped mourning the one that they lost.

• Help them plan a memorial for their baby. You can have a balloon release, or blow bubbles and send up prayers and wishes for your friends and their baby.

• Remember that they can never be the same person they were before experiencing such a profound loss and it will take time for them find a happy medium.

If you'd like to add anything to the list, feel free to comment!